We replaced it. And it blew again.

So we spent over a week without a light in the bathroom while waiting for the landlord to fix it. We started out using candles, and eventually thought of putting a lamp in there, but you still had to walk the length of the bathroom to turn it on.

These are some of the lessons I learned.

1) Be careful venturing to the toilet in the middle of the night when you’re still three quarters asleep. You might think you remember the layout of the bathroom well enough, but you don’t.

2) If you have to do your makeup by the light of a candle or lamp only, check it elsewhere before you go out in public.

3) When you get the sudden impulse to cut your fringe but it’s pitch black outside, fight it. Trust me, your fringe can keep poking you in the eyes until morning.


Also, it’s not a good idea to stick your tongue out in concentration when you’re cutting your own fringe.

It wasn’t blog worthy. But today is his birthday.

So happy birthday Sam.

I expect you to look like this now.

PS. He is better looking in real life.

Hope this helps.

After lugging my frigging heavy laptop all the way home from the bus stop,


(especially after missing my stop by about 10 stops and ending up in another suburb),

I decided it is what would be classified as ‘heavy machinery’

And today I’m on codeine

so I won’t be coming in today.

Thanks

Love your faithful employee.

Part One

Last night, something incredible happened.

It went something like this:

James and I are cuddling together on the couch, sharing about the day’s we’ve just had. All of a sudden, he says something that sets the cogs in my brain on overdrive, and abruptly, it all clicks into place.

“I can’t believe you’re a superhero!” I exclaim.

“You really had no idea after all this time?” He asks me patiently, his kind eyes staring into my soul. I shake my head, suddenly feeling very small, but also strangely comfortable. “Here,” he continues gently, “take off my glasses.”

Slowly, I reach up and, with a trembling hand, remove his glasses. My breath catches in awe. “Oh my goodness. Wow. It really is true.”

“Yes,” he says, still looking at me in the same gentle fashion, “see, all this time it’s me you’ve been making out with.”

And suddenly, I did see. No wonder it was so super.

Part Two

Tonight I sent him a message saying:

“Hey my love, thinking of and missing you. Everytime I think of the superhero thing I smile though.”

He replied (maybe telepathically but I can’t disclose that information):

“I’m off to a meeting. Who knows, keep your eyes peeled and you might see a flash past your window sometime tonight. Xox”

Of course, I waited by the window like a maiden of old (except I was wearing trackies instead of a gorgeous, puffer-fish sleeved, dress). I got very excited when I saw something.

“I think I saw a flash! Are you wearing tight shiny yellow underpants?”

A little while later, I was on the phone to mum when I heard a tap on the window.

I went to the door and cracked up laughing.

“Sorry mum, James just turned up at the door, and I’m not sure I should tell you why I’m laughing… Want to take a guess?”

Without missing a beat, and without having heard a single syllable about James being a superhero, she said “Oh, I don’t know… He’s wearing his underpants on the outside?”

Both James’ and my jaws dropped.

I’m bloody surrounded by superheroes!

Also. His underpants were red.

*****

As a last sidenote, I think the most impressive part of all of this is the fact that James managed to swap his underwear from the inside of his trousers (for the meeting) to the outside of his trousers (for me) in the confined space of his tiny car.

Even superman got to use a phonebox.

Me: “I thought you boys would enjoy this one…”

Sam: “And that’s why I ride a scooter.”

James: “Yeah, well i ride a pushbike. bam.”

Sam: “I suspect that the penile enhancement effects of lower carbon emissions in this case is offset by the fact that you keep mashing your perineum on the saddle.”

***

It was only after I’d laughed myself silly at their banter that I realised that, unwittingly, every guy I sent it to rides either a scooter or a bicycle.

Did I actually just stumble across a conspiracy theory?

A recent experience though has made me wonder… maybe it’s not just a bad system. Maybe they’ve got millions of ghosts of disheartened former patrons wreaking havoc?

You see, one of the details they requested recently was my business name, but as I don’t actually have a name for it, I just put a dash there instead.

A few weeks later, I was looking through a letter from them and ran my eye down the information they have about me. It was all correct except for one thing.

According to Centrelink, I own a business called “Moonlight Haunted Towns”.

I think I might keep it

It can be quite amusing to see what people have typed into Google that have led them to my site. I mean, it’s nice to see people starting to find me after searching for ‘funny true life stories’ and things like that, but there must be a lot of people who wind up at my site thinking WTF GOOGLE?! The key to enjoying them is trying to imagine what they were actually wanting to find.

Here are a selection of my favourites:

“soiled goodnite stories” – I have no idea what soiled goodnite stories are, or why Google thinks I have them on my site.

“klutz porn” - a career choice I never even knew existed, though I feel a lot sexier now.

“glitter gynecologist” – what the heck was this person trying to find?

“posessive gynecologist” – this one is just scary.

“dirty porn baby” – needless to say, this person didn’t stay long.

The wonderful thing is that by telling you about them, I’m probably going to get even more funny searches leading to my site. I mean, I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve ever written ‘dirty’ or ‘soiled’ or ‘porn’ (I said PORNOGRAPHY ok?). Oh crap. I just checked. I actually said porn once too. Anyway, the point is, I haven’t tailored my site to these people. I guess it’s just the sites that are actually trying to attract these searchers don’t have many words on them for some funny reason…

Anyway. I was laughing about some of these with James one night, and after a while we’d moved on to more productive things. We were trying to check the credibility of a a certain group of investors that James was considering using. For the sake of this post, let’s call them ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors” (hey I have to equal out the damage this post is going to do to my search engine optimisation somehow). So we were typing into Google things like ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors scam”, ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors warning’ and ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors forum’.

After about 10 minutes, we still hadn’t managed to find anything bad about them. Then James shot me a grin and typed into Google ‘Are Funny True Life Stories Investors a bunch of assholes?’

Because he’d used the full name of the investment company in his search, they appeared on the first page. He clicked on their website, and turned to me triumphantly.

“Now when someone checks their Google Analytics, they will see that someone typed that into Google and found them.”

So, next time you’re bored, get creative, and skew someone’s Google Analytics results.

Me: “If only you were a doughnut.”

And it hit me.

I know that your life is probably incredibly busy, but I want you to take just a moment to think about this.

Have a look at the picture. Just look at it for a minute.

Now try to get your head around the fact that once upon a time, somebody walked into a shop and saw that carpet pattern resting amongst dozens of others, and thought:

“Now that’ll look nice.”