Politics and Perineums

  • 26th Mar 10

So I came across this comic and thought a couple of my male friends would particularly enjoy it. So I sent it to them. And the following email conversation occurred:

Me: “I thought you boys would enjoy this one…”

Sam: “And that’s why I ride a scooter.”

James: “Yeah, well i ride a pushbike. bam.”

Sam: “I suspect that the penile enhancement effects of lower carbon emissions in this case is offset by the fact that you keep mashing your perineum on the saddle.”

***

It was only after I’d laughed myself silly at their banter that I realised that, unwittingly, every guy I sent it to rides either a scooter or a bicycle.

Did I actually just stumble across a conspiracy theory?

A Haunted Tale of Centrelink & Ghostsville

  • 19th Mar 10

So, Centrelink are pretty renowned for being a royal pain in the ass to deal with. But it’s the government giving everyday citizens money, so it’s not like it’s ever going to go out of business.

A recent experience though has made me wonder… maybe it’s not just a bad system. Maybe they’ve got millions of ghosts of disheartened former patrons wreaking havoc?

You see, one of the details they requested recently was my business name, but as I don’t actually have a name for it, I just put a dash there instead.

A few weeks later, I was looking through a letter from them and ran my eye down the information they have about me. It was all correct except for one thing.

According to Centrelink, I own a business called “Moonlight Haunted Towns”.

I think I might keep it :)

Funny Things To Do When You’re Bored #1

  • 17th Mar 10

So I check my Google Analytics data pretty regularly: not on a daily basis, but a lot more often than I clip my toenails, and probably about as regularly as I brush my hair.

It can be quite amusing to see what people have typed into Google that have led them to my site. I mean, it’s nice to see people starting to find me after searching for ‘funny true life stories’ and things like that, but there must be a lot of people who wind up at my site thinking WTF GOOGLE?! The key to enjoying them is trying to imagine what they were actually wanting to find.

Here are a selection of my favourites:

“soiled goodnite stories” – I have no idea what soiled goodnite stories are, or why Google thinks I have them on my site.

“klutz porn” - a career choice I never even knew existed, though I feel a lot sexier now.

“glitter gynecologist” – what the heck was this person trying to find?

“posessive gynecologist” – this one is just scary.

“dirty porn baby” – needless to say, this person didn’t stay long.

The wonderful thing is that by telling you about them, I’m probably going to get even more funny searches leading to my site. I mean, I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve ever written ‘dirty’ or ‘soiled’ or ‘porn’ (I said PORNOGRAPHY ok?). Oh crap. I just checked. I actually said porn once too. Anyway, the point is, I haven’t tailored my site to these people. I guess it’s just the sites that are actually trying to attract these searchers don’t have many words on them for some funny reason…

Anyway. I was laughing about some of these with James one night, and after a while we’d moved on to more productive things. We were trying to check the credibility of a a certain group of investors that James was considering using. For the sake of this post, let’s call them ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors” :) (hey I have to equal out the damage this post is going to do to my search engine optimisation somehow). So we were typing into Google things like ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors scam”, ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors warning’ and ‘Funny True Life Stories Investors forum’.

After about 10 minutes, we still hadn’t managed to find anything bad about them. Then James shot me a grin and typed into Google ‘Are Funny True Life Stories Investors a bunch of assholes?’

Because he’d used the full name of the investment company in his search, they appeared on the first page. He clicked on their website, and turned to me triumphantly.

“Now when someone checks their Google Analytics, they will see that someone typed that into Google and found them.”

So, next time you’re bored, get creative, and skew someone’s Google Analytics results.

Funny Life One Liners #5

  • 16th Mar 10

Ladyketo: “glazed over thanks to another mind-numbing Mike Rann interview”

Me: “If only you were a doughnut.”

The Flabbergasting Mysteries of Life

  • 11th Mar 10

Today as I walked into the musty office, I paused for a moment and stared down at the ancient, musty carpet.

And it hit me.

I know that your life is probably incredibly busy, but I want you to take just a moment to think about this.

Have a look at the picture. Just look at it for a minute.

musty carpet

Now try to get your head around the fact that once upon a time, somebody walked into a shop and saw that carpet pattern resting amongst dozens of others, and thought:

“Now that’ll look nice.”